How much does it take for person to go nuts?
How much does it take for person to go nuts? It appears not much at all… and emotional solitude felt save – far from gates to crazy land… but now, when i took path back to that state of responsiveness to emotional stimulation i feel like going all koo-koo over here. Some days i wish i could be only computer simulation and stop blaming myself for taking wrong turn and blame algorithms and math for my problems. Of course that ain’t good solution so let this thought crawl back into blasted “wrong problem solution cave” and be silent until next melt down.
So yeah great weak, as you can imagine – weekend was in particular. Probably you didn’t read my previous posts and trust me when i say ” I am not blaming you”. So quick explanation : Problems.. bla bla bla… Trying to understand this world… bla bla bla… Feeling all arcy and stuff… bla bla.. Meets a girl – amazing one… bla bla bla and here comes plot twist : shes got Bf already … Lady and me done some quick and irrational mistakes on back seat of my car, ‘You cant just take two people who apparently like each other a lot and put them in car after great day together life ! It’s unfair… life is unfair, always… correction – almost always… “
Felt like love, the way she touched me, the way i touched her….
Closed my eyes, only fingers to guide me, drawing her body in my mind, line after line… Kissing her warm soft skin, felt right and so good… my mind was possessed with her, i felt loved, and we all know this is great to feel. Do not think that this all about sex… i love to see her smile and make her smile is my first thing to do each day on my do list. But this sounds great only on paper in reality shes got freaking boy-friend. You know me i am all about being honorable and noble, before we got to this place, i constantly reminded my self – code that i created to keep myself in check “never sabotage happiness of two people for my own happiness” and why god! Why! It feels so good to break rules? Some times wild thought pops into my head: Maybe shes doing this only for thrill, and if i make her choose and she choses me, this passion that we got will fade out like light in space, travel so far we cant see it, even recall that it existed.
IT seems that if i chose this path, my future will be filed with pain and suffering, and when light will be consumed by wast and cold space, i will feel miserable..
Only for a moment it seems to worth it…. and i cant talk myself out of it.