Archive | March 2013

lIFE – so beautiful it hurts

   Funny how one sentence can change everything. Take less courage to face hoard of angry teenagers thirsty for your blood, that to say few words that will scar you for life. 
” I think that we both know what is right to do here” and just like that she is gone, gone forever, memory which will stay with me for the rest of my life. Time will heal me, but for now i feel… hurt and broken, cant really talk about it – it just hurts too much.  Writing about it feels less painful, and i think that this is only way to fight this incoming self pity and depression. 
   Passion fruit – u will know her by this name, because she smells like tropical fruit, and summer – sweet and worm. Smile which took me places i never knew existed, loving and carrying hands, and her lips… kissing her felt like living more that once, making my whole body numb. 
  Hardest thing about all this – i cant shake off this feeling that i could done something different, something that would make her stay in my life for a little bit longer, just huge her and hold for a littler bit more. Hold her and try not to let go… but i let her go, and shocked by this watching her disappear behind corner, i could feel like part of me is leaving as well, running away to catch her. 

   Every women change us men, some leave scars others kiss to remember her by, fact is that they all changes us one way or another. You only realize how much u are now different only left in cold or sitting by your self, you realize only then that u will never be the same, you are different person now “old you” is gone he just walk out of your life like she did. 

 But you know – life is so beautiful – yes it hurts much but this pain only means that now i realize what i really felt for her, and it is amazing what i carry with my self this feeling for her. Feeling borne from miss understanding , grown and nourished in my heart, it feels amazing to feel this for another person. While i understand lyrics of all thous song i want to say this: 
   
      I will miss her, and every time i remember her face it feels like some bastard is stabling me directly into my heart, every time i  remember something about her it  shakes in agony, begging me to stop this and forget all about it. But i cant and i will never forget her … my passion fruit, sweet and warm…

While i try not to drown her keep calm people and love your passion fruits. Lets man up and keep on rock&rolling my friends. 

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How much does it take for person to go nuts?

   How much does it take for person to go nuts?  It appears not much at all… and emotional solitude felt save – far from gates to crazy land… but now, when i took path back to that state of responsiveness to emotional stimulation i feel like going all koo-koo over here. Some days i wish i could be only computer simulation and stop blaming myself for taking wrong turn and blame algorithms and math for my problems. Of course that ain’t good solution   so let this thought crawl back into blasted “wrong problem solution cave” and be silent until next melt down.
   
   So yeah great weak, as you can imagine – weekend was in particular. Probably you didn’t read my previous posts and trust me when i say ” I am not blaming you”. So quick explanation : Problems.. bla bla bla… Trying to understand this world… bla bla bla… Feeling all arcy and stuff… bla bla.. Meets a girl – amazing one… bla bla bla and here comes plot twist : shes got Bf already … Lady and me done some quick and irrational mistakes on back seat of my car, ‘You cant just take two people who apparently like each other a lot and put them in car after great day together life !    It’s unfair… life is unfair, always… correction – almost always… “

   Felt like love, the way she touched me, the way i touched her…. 
Closed my eyes, only fingers to guide me, drawing her body in my mind, line after line… Kissing her warm soft skin, felt right and so good… my mind was possessed with her, i felt loved, and we all know this is great to feel. Do not think that this all about sex… i love to see her smile and make her smile is my first thing to do each day on my do list.  But this sounds great only on paper in reality shes got freaking boy-friend. You know me i am all about being honorable and noble, before we got to this place, i constantly reminded my self – code that i created to keep myself in check “never sabotage happiness of two people for my own happiness”  and why god! Why! It feels so good to break rules? Some times wild thought pops into my head: Maybe shes doing this only for thrill, and if i make her choose and she choses me, this passion that we got will fade out like light in space, travel so far we cant see it, even recall that it existed.  

  IT seems that if i chose this path, my future will be filed with pain and suffering, and when light will be consumed by wast and cold space, i will feel miserable..
  Only for a moment it seems to worth it…. and i cant talk myself out of it.  

Walking-talking Sin

 Never ever did i thought that i am different from any other person on this planet, but others did. Never did i wanted this or never did i dreamed about this. What happen i still don’t know,  it hit me like frozen poop from “Oceanic 815” and knocked me out cold. 
  First time in my life i am sad about being in relationship, don’t get me wrong i am insane about this girl, i love everything about her… but there is this “but”… so u see everything is not so perfect after all. Wont be first time i have stolen girls heart from other guy… wont be first time i drove girl crazy… what is different u might ask… well difference is that i thought about it for first time in my life from different perspective… Observation of course was key to unlocking mystery – what i was for most girls  i dated. 
  Have u ever heard girl say to you: 
  1] I never meet anyone like you.
  2] It is nice to have someone who can still surprise me.
  3] I am possessed by you. 
  4] I feel like i am on drugs with you. 
  And of course classic:  First time i saw you i thought i will gain good looking friend at first, but i am happy that we became more than friends. and etcetera.  

 Yeah this is great to hear, but if u did heard this, you might be in deep shit situation like i am myself. 
 Longest time for me to be in relationship was almost 4 months, and always did it end bad? well most of time it did. What i am for girl? I am addiction i am sin, which they commit willingly and they push me away like… this…. was….. my fault. It hurts a lot to be used and bath girl in this affection and love which i have plenty and then be pushed aways like some kinda mistake that never ever happen. Long time i thought that i am responsible for this, that i hurt then in some kinda way, but i know now that i am just a sin for them which looks tasty and appealing at first but shameful and tiring in the long run. I am like drug which is less and less powerful more you use it. 

 Key component to knowing that you are sexual sin to other – constant lust from your partner, if they cant keep they hands of you there is big chance that with time they will get tired and stop playing with they overused new toy. Always i knew that i am good in thins kinda thing, i always knew that i am good in love making. With some girls i even make my self breath synchronously to better understand how she moves. Knowing human anatomy helps a bit as well. Of course thinking about what i can do to her and do not think about finishing make you last much longer u see troubled mind cant relax so easy. 
 
 SOoooo….. yeah i am living walking and talking sin… i spin girls head make her feel like she is only one on this planet.. and.. then… be dumped like trash… i really am… Yes it hurts, but maybe this is my given right by my gods. 

   “I do not love, i cant love, but i can make her feel loved and that is enough for me to live in peace”