Armed with weapon and shield i march once again into depths of my mind for you.
Today across desert filed with dead choices i made or made not, i step into white stone temple in which my future is decided. White and pure you may say, but walls can keep many secrets and today in hopes of healing my self – let us enter one of many towers which are locked from inside, so no one can enter even me.
My frustrations and mistakes are locked inside each of thous countless towers, standing proud for me to see, each time i visit. Talking to me, trying to seduce me into letting out horrors, to cripple myself once more. Like i am not enough social awkward, anyway you may ask how it is that thous towers are locked from inside and i am here in our world writing this for your amusement? Simple – jump strait down, so i may crush my skull and forget at least for a moment what i just did, as my limp body is trying to recover from this non scheduled flight, collecting my bids of healthy mind off shaking soil lets talk about Tower with countless steps and twist. My tower of lies.
Yeah i love telling stories, but did i told you that i am brilliant liar as well? This my addiction to make stuff up made my life even less bearable, as if it wasn’t bad enough – i need to have this glitch inside me to lie now and then about my self. To such level that i was in need of cutting my self off from people just to stay honest. One day after session of feeding people with bullshit, i had enough. I knew i can not control this, in no freaking universe there is way for me to stop lie about anything. “Stop one day i will” quietly i said to my self before falling into my world, and so i did. Found solution to my problem, if there will be no one around there will be no lies. Day after day pushing people away so i could stay honest with myself. Problem with this chronic lying – oukey i lie to others but i lie to myself as well… they believe it for a moment so i could believe that i am different as well. Thing is that i was addicted not to lies but to others simple mindedness, they made my lies more real for me so i could feed my egos.
Now i am strong enough to face this, i am lying bastard or at least i was, i am honest now. May i say that it feel great. Put this thing out here like a badge of honor for surviving battle of century just to open that one door. With cost off losing every single person i cared for. Hardest battles we need to face alone, so i did and succeeded but have no one to share it with.
What now? Don’t know… at least now i can demolish this tower of lies, maybe by putting this for everyone to see i can – with time heal my temple.
“errors i made, errors i do – all stay with me for the rest off everything i will do”
Some time has past since last i wrote something… only because i don’t know what do i want to do with my little time what i have on this planet earth, don’t get me wrong i am fairly young but i cant shake this one thing off. What do i want to do with my life. There is no words to describe my doubts about my whole existence. One day i believe that universe has plan for me next one i think that i shouldn’t be her in the first place. I alway thought that writing is what i will do… but i am bad at this – maybe because i haven’t yet discovered my nisha ( the way of writing – my unique way of putting thing on paper) but then maybe i will never find it.
What do i do then? I think that practice makes huge difference, so if u can be good at something just by practicing it over and over again, why do we have this concept of talent? Thing is that u need talent to practice something, u may be talented to practice music or maybe painting or just simple things like cleaning or cooking, no doubt that talent is huge component to your life meaning. For some people talent and is they life meaning, they feel that this is given to them and they are obligated to be best at it. Talent is huge blessing but burden non the less.
So what do i do if i am not talented at anything useful? Are you? There is nothing you are best at? Start from small thing… like maybe u are champion at flossing your teeth every morning? So maybe then u will become dentist one day.. this is very abstract i know. By just bare with me for a moment… If i am talented at something small i can grow it. I can see my talent blossom into something powerful enough to change my life completely.
So what is my little talent? Imagination… this huge world that i carry on my shoulders. Some time it takes me so far away from reality that i don’t really care what is happening around me. And then i was always good at making stuff up, lying and writing essays in school. Perks that come in package with my imagination problem. So maybe then i am now obligated to practice and be best at making stuff up from thin air, try to shove people what i see every day thou my eyes. And then maybe i will grow, and then maybe i will be one day talented to practice art of imagination the way it should be practiced, with huge emotion value to me and reader, try to connect with world.
“Small things do matter”